And Then I Thought I was a Fish

IDENTIFYING INFORMATION: Peter Hunt Welch is a 20-year-old single Caucasian male who was residing in Bar Harbor, Maine this summer. He is a University of Maine at Orono student with no prior psychiatric history, who was admitted to the Acadia Hospital on an involuntary basis due to an acute level of confusion and disorganization, both behaviorally and cognitively. He was evaluated at MDI and was transferred from that facility due to psychosis, impulse thoughts, delusions, and disorientation.

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Observations of a Straight White Male with No Interesting Fetishes

Ever wondered how to justify your own righteousness even while you're constantly embarrassed by it? Or how to make a case for your own existence when you contribute nothing besides nominal labor to a faceless corporation that's probably exploiting children? Are you clinging desperately to an arbitrary social model imposed by your parents and childhood friends? Or screaming in terror, your mind unhinged at the prospect of an uncaring void racing to consume the very possibility of your life having meaning?

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This is the story of a boy, a girl, a phone, a cat, the end of the universe, and the terrible power of ennui.

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Stony Blue Vega

Composed on the 3rd of September in the year 2005, at 11:27 PM. It was Saturday.

I was going through the police beat the other day, looking for old high school friends, when I read something so beautiful it made me cry.1[1]

“Stony Blue Vega, 25, Rockland, three counts sexual abuse of minor, prison three years, all but 10 months suspended, probation three years, restitution $543; allowing minor to possess or consume liquor, prison 30 days; assault, prison 90 days.”

How can you not love this guy? He really rose above the small town status quo and made a name for himself, and that name was Stony Blue Vega. Stony Blue is the guy in afterschool specials standing outside the play ground with a paper bag and a joint. Stony Blue has aviator shades and a thick black mustache. Stony Blue has really great biceps and a little beer gut.

Stony Blue is the guy who watches amateur porn and takes notes on how to pick up women. He probably goes to bookstores and chats up gradeschoolers with lines like, “You got a really hot little body there. You any good at sucking cock?”

I’m considering visiting him in jail, just to meet someone who actually ended up the way I assumed most of my neighbors would.

I’m guessing the assault was against some relative of the girl he was sexually abusing, probably dad. After going to the junior prom afterparty, he took some teenage girl home to her parents’ house, because as he tells his friends, “Never bring ‘em back to your place. Read that in Maxim.” The girl, in a moment of clarity, puts down her bottle of Smirnof Rasberry Twist and realizes she’s alone in a house with a guy named Stony Blue Vega, and he still hasn’t taken off his shades. Her name is Faith or Rosemary, or, I can only hope, Chastity.

Stony Blue has her pretty drunk, so she’s way too out of it to fight him off, and the sexual assault begins. Three counts seems high, so they were either ramping up the charges, or he woke up her twelve year-old sister and copped a feel.

Feeling like the big stud because, after all, how many people really have the strength of character to trick drunk sixteen year-old girls into being sexually assaulted, he throws his wife beater over his shoulder and walks out to meet mom and dad, who have just come home to their screaming daughters. Stony Blue plays it cool until dad beats him over the head with a chair, then Stony starts in on his regular, non-sexual assault charge instead of fleeing into the woods. This gives the cops time to show up and beat him down while he screams “I’m Stony Blue Vega, you fuckin’ pigs! I’m Stony Blue fuckin’ Vega!”

The judge is not impressed. Stony Blue is charged $543; $43 for the chair, and $500 for being a utter fucking loser.

1 I’ve recieved two letters about this essay. The first was from a 19-year-old girl defending him and calling me an asshole. She gave me the real story, which is almost better: Old Stony was seeing a 15-year-old girl when one day he came home and found her with another guy. I don’t know the details, but at this point, Stony decides to call the cops, who arrest them both for statuatory rape. The second letter was from his baby’s mama, who asked me to change the name since this article is the very first hit for Stony Blue Vega in google, and she didn’t want her child’s future schools seeing it when they search for the kid’s father. She was very nice and said she agreed with me on all points, and I was about to change it, until I googled him myself. Here are the other three hits: A blog with the original police report, entitled “wtf were they thinking when they named him?”, his sex offender profile, and the fact that he’s wanted for assault in MA. By comparison, I’m doing this guy a favor, since my totally over the top assessment would engender more sympathy for him than the actual facts. And nobody’s going to judge the kid for this; aside from one terrible mistake, the mother sounded pretty nice and intelligent and should raise a good kid. My only concern is that someday Stony Blue Vega is going to kick my ass, so this blog may vanish if I ever get serious fame. Also, in the case of such fame, I wouldn’t want to completely wreck this dude’s life, though he seems to be doing well enough on his own.

If this shoe fits you, I'll marry you.

Hi there! You should totally go buy my book for the low low price of 6.73! It's like buying me a beer at an out-of-the-way dive bar in Brooklyn! Not in Manhattan. Manhattan prices are ridiculous, though there are a couple of decent Irish dives where you can snag a drink for five bucks. Otherwise, you're looking at a two or three book beer.